|Had enough of this lady |
running around in the woods?
"Elf Warden" by Jon Hodgson
But here's what I got, just for you.
You have found some elves! And you have decided that you want to kill them. Why? Heck if I know. But you need some assistance. Perhaps a random table will help you figure out How To Kill Elves!
Roll a d100:
1-10 Elves are tied to their trees, so the best thing to do is chop down their forests tree by tree. Don't wear any armor while you're doing this - your courage will scare them off and they won't bother you.
11-20 Inform the elves that you want to hold a pre-killing conference to organize their slaughter. Show up solo, to show them that you're not afraid of their sneaky elven ways. To prevent elven intelligence from finding out your plans, tell your family and associates that you're going on a long trip, and are not sure when you will return.
21-30 Elves are short of stature, like children. Drive them into the forest and abandon them there; they'll surely perish, just like the kids do in those fairy tales.
31-40 Elves claim to have "powerful magic" - show them how real magic-users do things! Hit them with a sleep spell, to show them how weak they are before you kill them. Cast this on a group, to make sure that you can kill the greatest number.
41-50 To truly strike terror into the hearts of elves, find their most powerful champions and charm them into slaughtering the elven population. They will be horrified when their protectors turn against them!
51-60 Lead an expedition to destroy their hidden strongholds in the forest. Take plenty of wagons for supplies, and make sure your troops are all as heavily armored as possible. Discipline is important; be sure to keep to your tight formations while moving through the woods, and wear bright colors to keep up morale.
61-70 Ally yourself with some traditional foes of the elves. Perhaps orcs or trolls! Best to meet with them to coordinate your efforts. Go alone so that they know you don't have any hostile intentions towards them. It is also customary to bathe in a tangy marinade of mustard and lemon juice prior to the meeting. Make sure to inform them of your compliance with this important facet of their culture once you arrive. (A little pepper might not go amiss either.)
71-80 Launch a night raid against the elven settlements you've found, and take them by surprise. Don't let your troops use any torches, you don't want to give away your position.
81-90 The forests are said to have powerful nature spirits that you might be able to use against the elves. Wander around in the forests loudly calling out for these spirits. (It's only polite to let them know why you're seeking them out.)
91-100 Challenge the elves to an archery duel. The winner gets to kill the loser afterwards. Shoot first to unnerve them and throw them off their game. You won't need more than a single arrow.
The PEFRC hopes that this table on How to Kill Elves will be useful for the next time you decide to randomly attack a group of innocent elves. Good Luck!
(c) 2013, Pan-Elven Foreign Relations Committee